Annnd so, honestly, this week was hard. People are usually nice in their rejections, but this week for some reason its like they all ate something to make them especially rude. people yell, tell us to get out, get mad because they are busy and we are disturbing them, door after door, hour after hour like that. the efforts to find are much but the fruits are so few. this week has been almost ALL finding because we are at an all time low in investigator pool. Its been day after day of just trying to find somewhere to go, someone new to talk to, trying to hold in the tears from all the unkind words and rejection.
It does lighten the mood though after someone is done yelling at us, then Sis Manoa says "what do they say?" wearing the sweetest little innocent face, and I say "they just got mad at us because they are Catholic and they want us off their property" and then she says "ahhh why!?" haha, its like, late reaction all the time and it makes us laugh. One of our investigators this week returned her Book of Mormon to us, told us she never has been or will read it, that she isn't really interested, and that we should just take it and give it to someone else cause who knows, a typhoon might come and get the pages wet cause their roof isn't very sturdy. Yep, good thinking, we wouldn't want to risk that. Better just give us back that book about salvation for safe keeping. AH! PEOPLE!!In our DM this week for our reporting, we just had to stand and say how we are doing. Our wise DL knows how rough it is and how low all of our numbers are, and he just wanted to make sure we were ok. As we stood to report our hollow week of rejections, I almost wanted to cry. I feel so exhausted, doing everything I can possibly think of, and still feel like its not enough. The other elders and sisters too, in their reports, are experiencing similar things. As long as God knows we are doing our best though, no matter the circumstances, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know I am doing my best and I should just be satisfied with that and know that God is proud of me.
At our weekly planning we had a hard facing of reality. This is the very lowest amount of investigators I've ever had in my whole mission. I don't know about other missions, but this might be a first here. We have a grand total of four. Yep, 4. and out of those 4, we lost 2 by the end of Sunday! So as of today, we are at 2. twooooooo inveeesstttigggatooorrrrssss. how is that possible! it is honestly so hard to battle the feelings that I'm even making a difference. I've been 5 months here and I literally have nothing to show for it but a journal full of days and experiences that somehow tell me I was working. We've dropped everyone I've ever taught, since the beginning of my time here.
I've been feeling like I'm being eaten alive by discouraging thoughts, so for a solution I wrote them all out, everything in my head so I could start to reverse it and recognize the source. I'll share a few, why not, this is already as bleak and honest an email as there ever was. "where am i going to go, where am i going to go" "i feel like i'm not living up to who i should be as sis manoa's trainer, she deserves so much better" "why do so few find the truth when its literally right in front of them?" "when are these people going to find 10 mins to slow down from their busy lives, so we can change their entire life's destination?" "why are people so blind?" "where is all my hard work going?" "why is life so unfair and why has this heartbreaking poverty been dealt to some while others are safe and full in their mansions?" "i'm so tired of debate and fighting about gospel topics and i'm so sick of fighting. i just don't want to fight anymore" "what more can i be doing, what am i NOT doing right?" "oh no, why am i thinking these things, i need to be strong, i cant be down like this, so many people depend on me" "i feel like i've got nothing left, that i'm pounded like a small crushed can" and there's more........AHHH i feel like i'm drowning! As all these terrible vibes were in my mind I just wanted to scream STOP!!!!!!! stop!! I'm so sick of it!
I opened my Bible and the words of Jesus Christ stopped all of these thoughts racing in my mind. I read "in the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world". It felt like the storm in my mind was silenced, the rain stopped, the race stood still. I just closed my eyes and cried and repeated the words over and over again. Peace, be still. I also read Alma's words, and cried because they were so much of what I am feeling. "wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ" I feel that plea echoing in me all the time. I feel like I've hardly got enough breath to yell out for help, just a faint "wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ" is all that can escape. I know that I'm not doing this alone, I know that even though I feel so alone and I'm getting whipped around hour after hour, that this is what the Lord wants me to do. I know that He loves me, and that He loves all his children.
Because of that love, somehow I walk outside everyday and get hurt. I know that God loves them, and that this message is too important for me to sit still. Even when they yell at me or when they get mad i know that God still loves them, and i just feel sad that they are that way. God loves the world so much, Jesus Christ was given to us as a testament of that love. All I've got to do is be an extension of that love, to just keep going, keep trying to share this message of peace in a crazy crazy world. While I myself am guilty of saying "carest thou not that I perish?" and for all the people outside who aren't aware that they are perishing, I know that Jesus Christ has come, and that through him I don't have to drown. Peace, be still, peace be still. Christ lifts me, and his light inside of me is really the only reason I get up and work hard.
Thats all I can muster this week, sorry if this shatters anyone's view that missionaries are just so happy and living the dream all the time. I believe in being genuine. So I will be :) THANK YOU for all the prayers and for all of the hope and inspiration! As I read all those sweet comments from fb my eyes got teary. Wow, what an overwhelming amount of nice things to hear! You have no idea how much it means to me, thank you. That's a wrap! Email you next week- miracles are going to happen!!
LOVE sis mcgrath
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